mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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