I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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