Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
