Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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