I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize