At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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