I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you had me at cake vodka
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can't turn off my feet"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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