i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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