i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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