I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
