I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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