I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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