When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
