Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
