Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
as a side note pls kill me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
