Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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