What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
