you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
