happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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