i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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