Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
