Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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