Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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