susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
