As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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