Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
