are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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