I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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