Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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