Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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