how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
