I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
