as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
