you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
