Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
