He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
