we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
