my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
