He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he thought i was a dude.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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