Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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