Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
