God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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