So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize