I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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