Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
So squirting runs in the family.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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