You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
ugly people sure do ruin things
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
