at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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