so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
