as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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