while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
