You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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