i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
