it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
