She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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