She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
