I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
