Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
